When it comes to those hot ‘n’ heavy scenes scenes in fiction (yes, wink wink, nudge nudge), most would argue that it’s usually the male appendage (I say appendage, not penis, because it’s usually denoted by a euphemistic moniker a la “manhood”, “member” and so on) that gets all the attention from the authorial pen.
But this is not so!
Penises pale in comparison to nipples.
The darling buds of May
And why not? Nipples are far more egalitarian: both sexes have them, so it’s double (quadruple?) the fun. And, it turns out, nipples have a far superior range of movement.
In fact, where penises are limited to activities that wouldn’t be out of place in a sword fight (thrust! plunge! impale! [ouch]), nipples have far more up their, er, sleeves.
And, yet, none of them remotely plausible.
I’ve read about nipples furling, an action that brings to mind an umbrella being rolled up after a heavy downpour. Nipples apparently also pearl and bead, although how they do so without rolling off the body in question is difficult to conceive indeed.
They also take on floral properties: they have been known to bud (but hopefully not sprout, although I suppose this works well with the term “seed”). I’ve even read of nipples that would be of interest to a cartographer–these, apparently, form peaks. (But not stiff peaks, as those are only appropriate to meringues.)
Exhibit A: not a nipple
Lingua Franca (aka, tongue of a French guy)
But we can’t single (double?) out nipples here. They’re fairly harmless in the scheme of things, really, just sitting about until they’re needed as a signal that things are about to get steamy.
Now, lips, on the other hand, have something to answer for. They have agency. And, lips, it turns out, are in today’s romantic fiction directionally challenged.
Lips don’t kiss any more.
Rather, they angle and slant on to each other. In the next few years I’m sure we’ll see “isosceles” and “hypoteneuse” as viable kissing-related verbs. If you gave today’s romance fiction’s lips a sobriety test, they’d fail: under no circumstances would they be able to walk in a straight line.
Of course, perhaps this is because the structural integrity of our average hero’s/heroine’s lips is undermined by what their tongues are getting up to. The vocabulary term of the moment seems to be “lave”, meaning to “lap against” or “cover or swamp with water”. This term becomes even more romantic when it’s confused with “lathe”. This is a lathe:
Please don’t kiss me with that.
What is to be done?
Now, I’m not necessarily advocating a return to Patrick White-esque sex scenes where all the good bits are so shrouded in metaphor you honestly think that you’re reading about two peacocks cooing over each other (see A Fringe of Leaves for the passage in question that left my entire year 12 Literature class baffled). But I do think that when it comes to writing sex scenes, it’s time that we step away from the thesaurus and, certainly, away from nipple-based calisthenics.
Hi-larious! Love this post. It’s so true, tacky wording just takes me out of the book and puts me off. Why can’t they just call it what it is?!
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I think sex scenes must be fiendishly tough to write, which is why the “behind closed doors” approach often works so much better. (Sort of like how it’s always preferable to imagine a monster in a movie rather than seeing the dodgy special effects version). But there are surely classier ways than delving into the world of icky synonyms!
Hear, hear, Stephanie!! I’m running a workshop for the NSW Writer’s Centre in March on this very topic. Well, not nipples as such, but the whole fraught area of writing about love and sex. And I will certainly be recommending that they ‘step away from the thesaurus’ when writing a sex scene!
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Very funny! I can imagine it’s very hard, I mean difficult, to write love scenes well. And if you think reading them is bad, try audiobooks. Having it read to me gives me a fit of giggles.
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That lathe is kinda sexy, you know…
Furling nipples. Furling! I can’t get that mental image from my mind. I’m obviously reading the wrong books…
Michelle ~ Book to the Future recently posted..1955 – the quiet american ~ graham greene
I love your post. Thanks for a Monday morning giggle. Furling nipples? Sounds painful. I’m not sure I would be able to continue reading that book.
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Hahaha! Great…er…points. Buds are too prepubescent; it immediately conjures up Lolita-esque scenes, and who wants that? Nothing ruins a good sex scene more than insane euphemisms for the naughty bits. Granted, penis, vagina and the like are not the most romantic words, but there has to be better terms than manhood or womanly center.
Topics like these make me glad I am not a writer.
And I totally agree with Chris. Sex scenes on audio are a definite no-no. I want to imagine my own sex scenes and do not need some stranger’s voice interrupting my fantasy! (Listening to them at work is even worse. I’m always afraid someone is going to be able to hear what is coming through my headphones.)
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Dianne: Oh, the thought of a workshop student rifling through a thesaurus as part of a class exam cracks me up. I’m definitely of the “less is more” group when it comes to sex scenes–I have quite a ribald imagination when I need it, so a neat scene break tends to be perfectly sufficient for me!
Chris: Chortling over your use of difficult/hard! And oh dear, I can only imagine the audiobook versions. Do they get breathy or steamy? I’d imagine that the most hilarious would be those read by someone with a really stiff-upper-lip British accent. “‘I say, old chap!’ he said, unsheathing his weapon of manhood”
Michelle and Jami: Clearly you’re both missing out. The “furling” has remained in my mind for years (I read it in a Stephanie Laurens novel–Laurens uses the term a good ten times a novel, by the way), and it’s just such an odd word that I can’t forget it. Let me know if ever you need recommendations!
Michelle: You’re right, it is a bit Lolita-ish, although I suspect that Nabokov wouldn’t have stooped to such perversions of language
You’re spot on about some of the truly awful euphemisms used for body parts. “Womanly centre” is certainly an awful one, but my personal pet peeves are “mound” (mound?! that makes me think of compost!) and “core” (which sounds like something that needs to be drilled). I’m also cracking up at the thought of you listening to steamy romance novels while at work!
What a fun post.
But . . . It all depends on the mood really. (of the book and the reader at the time)
If it’s good writing, if it makes the reader feel something, if it feels like a natural progression of the story, then it works.
If it’s too much or too weird, then it breaks the mood and it feels wrong.
I guess another problem is if you read a whole slew of books that coincidentally use similar words, the next time you see those words you’ll get the giggles. Especially if a lathe is involved.
Great point, Ebony. I think sex scenes are amongst the hardest to write because they’re so heavily reliant on feeling, emotion and mood, and they can so easily be made trite or awkward. I think it must also be tough to keep writing within a genre where sensual scenes are a requirement–I read a book recently where it felt as though the sex scenes had been copy and pasted, they were so similar! But really, how much can you mix it up within one book (perhaps I shouldn’t ask…)?
Haha! “Slanting lips” do drive me nuts. I guess by the hundredth or so sex scene, romance writers have to say something more than “They kissed. They kept on kissing.”
His lips lathed hers? Ooh la la!
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Lol! This is awesome. I started having a giggling fit and my 2-year-old walked over to see what the heck was going on. At this point your “Exhibit A” was even more hilarious because he just did NOT understand what was so funny.
The nipples “unfurling” gets me too- what, they’re flags now? I’ve decided to name mine “Old Glory” and “Don’t tread on me”, with the nickname of “red, white and blue” reserved for a few special books.
Regarding manly euphemisms, years ago my sister got her hands on a super-smutty book and brought it home. We read bits of it out loud, laughing hysterically, my mom peering into the room trying to decide if we were up to something or not. It was basically one, big, bawdy sex scene and I will never forget how the author described the Fabio-esque guy’s penis: “a column of manliness”. That has stuck in my mind and I still giggle when it pops into my head… which has led to some rather awkward moments when I happen to be in the company of people in front of whom it would be impolite to discuss things such as peak-y nipples.
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Jaclyn: I always wonder whether it gets tiresome writing sex scenes. Actually, I might interview some authors and find out! I did read one book where the three sex scenes were *identical*. I swear they were copied and pasted. I’m cool with “they kissed”, though! At least it doesn’t make me giggle
Mary Beth: I’m so glad your 2 year old didn’t understand what was going on! I read your comment walking to work and had a good old giggle at the nipple-as-flag concept. And oh, the column of manliness! It brings to mind the Tower of Babylon, only fleshier…
Oh these comments above have distracted and horrified me. Sex scenes on audio… Nope. I think I’ll avoid that too. And kissing with a lathe. Ouch. I don’t read a lot of romance but perhaps this is part of the issue I avoid sex scenes in books. They just don’t… work well. hah
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Hmm, perhaps they could just substitute some heavy breathing on the audio versions instead? It’s definitely not just the romance genre that’s to blame here, though (although they may cop more of the giggles given that they often proportionately have more sex). I’ve seen hilarious sex scenes across all genres of fiction (I think I just read something last night about a vagina being described as a “sticky stamen”).
Ugh I dunno. Heavy breathing would creep me out too. hah. And I think romance novels do the sex scenes better or at least I’d assume so cuz they have more of them. I try to avoid sex scenes in ANY books
Amy recently posted..Review: Hot Air by Jeffrey Simpson, Mark Jaccard, and Nic Rivers
I’m going to start including a little “contains hilarious sex” badge on my reviews as applicable from now on.
I love that idea!!! heeheehee
Amy recently posted..Review: Hot Air by Jeffrey Simpson, Mark Jaccard, and Nic Rivers
I too think that is a great idea!
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